In the interests of full disclosure, I should reveal that I’m writing this from Adam Dunn’s Sharper Image Massage Chair.  Thanks, Dave Miley!

Yikes.  I’ve passed on the Devil Rays, I’ve said no to the Reds, and I’ve run from the Royals.  That leaves me with only the Astros and Rockies to choose from, in my quest choose which of baseball’s worst teams I’d take if I wanted to build a winner. 

(Incidentally, I’m leaving the A’s out of this equation, because including them makes the whole exercise moot.  With Zito (assuming I’d get to sign him), Harden, Meyer, Blanton, Calero, and Street, Oakland’s staff may be better than the rest, combined.  I don’t care if a couple of them are having off seasons, this staff has space for serious growth.  Plus, on what other roster can you yell, "It’s Yabu Time!" 162 times a season?  Toss in Kotsay- who I think is great, Crosby, and Chavez on offense, and it really becomes a no brainer.  I’d happily take Jason Kendall, too.  These guys aren’t going to hit .240 for the rest of their careers. 

Also, in the time it’s taken me to go through these teams- I have to work, you know- the Mariners have achieved a ********* level that would qualify them for this discussion.  Let’s just say… I’ll pass.  When your best starter is either old enough to be my dad, or Ryan Franklin, that’s not a quality sign.) 

Anyway….

Astros: Put aside for a moment that Houston is still scoring less than a Star Wars geek at the Playboy Mansion. Let’s focus on pitching.  If I thought I’d be good by next spring, give me Clemens.  But in the time it would take to reconstruct these guys, that’s not an option.  He’s not a consideration.  I want Roy Oswalt and Brad Lidge, and give me… why are we even having this discussion about a pitching staff that-

a) has made room for John Franco.  John Franco!  It’s not 1987 anymore, people!

b) has 6 guys with ERA’s over 6 (7 if you count Chad Qualls and his 5.96), and 3 over 10. 

This is a horrible, horrible pitching staff.  Just awful.  Scary to look at.  I’m not going to do the math on what happens to their NL ranks if you don’t include Clemens, but I’m willing to bet it’s scarier than the remake of The Longest Yard. 

So that leaves us with the offense.  You mean I can choose anyone I want from the worst offensive team in baseball?  It’s like Christmas in May.  I’ll take Lance Berkman and Morgan Ensberg, then I’d hire Biggio and Bagwell- two of baseball’s classiest players- to be on my coaching staff.  There’s nobody else I’d spend too much sweat trying to get. 

Just say "No!" to Houston. 

That leaves me with….

Rockies:  Here’s what I like beyond the super-obvious (Todd Helton).  Clint Barmes, Matt Holliday, Brad Hawpe, and Aaron Miles.  Somebody once told me that JD Closser is a catcher with potential, although it’s hard to believe in potential when you’re sharing time with Todd Greene and batting under .200.  Still, there are so few young catchers that are any good that I’ll bring him along in this little experiment.  Same with Garrett Atkins over at 3rd.  The problem, of course, is that all of these guys, including Helton, aren’t the same on the road. What can you do?  The good news is they still get to play 81 games a year at Coors. 

On the mound, it’s not a total disaster.  Shawn Chacon is still only 27, and has been pretty effective as a starter.  Jeff Francis has a sub 3.00 ERA at Coors.  Out of the pen, Brian Fuentes has been effective in two of the last 3 years in Colorado.  But the way Jason Jennings has gotten lit this year is a more than a little distressing, and they don’t have a lot of guys who make batters miss the ball.  That, to me, is the key to Coors.  You can’t hit the ball to Vail if you don’t make contact.  The Rox need strikeout guys, and guys who are willing to show up and have their stats ruined by Coors.  How do you do that?  Not sure.  But it’s not by spending big FA money to bring guys in (unless they are the aforementioned K machines). 

CONCLUSIONS:  It must be a horrible time to be fans in Tampa, Kansas City, Cincinnati, Houston and Denver.  At least the Astros have Clemens every 5th day.  That’s something.  I doubt they say the same in Devil Ray country about Mark Hendrickson.  But on the strength of their potential lineup, I’m going to have to take Colorado.  Yeah, it seems strange to intentionally choose the worst team in baseball, and they’ve got pitching issues out the wazoo, but remember- all of these choices ****.  Next, I’d probably go with (gulp!) Cincinnati (love that Wily Mo Pena), then Tampa Bay, Houston, and Kansas City. 

Maybe it’s not baseball, but geography that rules the decision.  Outside of Denver, none of the other choices let me work all summer and ski in the winter.  GM’s will be able to find me.  Cell phones work in the Rocky Mountains.  I’ve checked. 

Before getting back to the teams, I have another question.  Would you rather be Roseanne, whose crotch-grabbing Anthem really ticked people off a few years ago, or Jeff Gordon, who may never be able to set foot in Chicago again?  I can almost forgive a guy for forgetting the words to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," hard as that is to do, but calling it Wrigley Stadium?  Horrible.  Horrible!  Here’s the link, in case you missed   it.  http://www.wcnc.com/perl/common/video/wmPlayer.pl?title=www.wcnc.com/0525-gordon.wmv   

Go ahead and add him to the "Steve Bartman Honorary List of People Barred from Wrigley." 

Okay, back to baseball…

Last post, I talked about which team among baseball’s bottom feeders I’d take, seeking the roster with the most potential to contend.   Eventually.   I crossed the Royals and Devil Rays off the list, and today will talk about the Reds.

Reds:  Well, if they still had Danny Graves, it would have been a no brainer.  Just kidding.  But am I the only guy who thinks how he got treated was a little harsh?  The dude probably wrecked his arm switching back and forth from the rotation to the pen, and certainly isn’t the reason the Reds are sinking to the bottom of the division.  There are plenty of other people to blame for that, and most work off a mound. 

Their pitching is just god awful, past the point of snarky but potentially amusing commentary.  Their "top starters," Paul Wilson and Eric Milton, have ERA’s that are well beyond the "by today’s standards, that’s not so bad" threshold often applied to modern pitchers, which allow a dudes with career 4.83 ERAs to sign $25.5 million contracts, as Milton did this winter.  On this staff, I’d want only one guy- Ryan Wagner (almost 9 K’s per 9), and I’d take Brandon Claussen, who could still evolve into a useful bottom of the rotation guy.  But outside of Wagner, there’s nobody on the staff that you really think can’t be found somewhere else. 

As for the offense, it’s not much better there.  Yeah, they have guys who can mash, but my reconstruction job’s gonna take about 2-3 years.  Is Junior going to be useful then?  I doubt it.  You don’t build a team around Joe Randa or Sean Casey (though they’re both good hitters).  What they do have is Adam Dunn, if you can tolerate the K’s, Austin Kearns, if you can tolerate the injuries, and the guy I’d really want if I were to build around any of Cincinnati’s current group: Wily Mo Pena.  If nothing else, he is one of the scariest looking athletes- in terms of knowing that if he wanted to he’s strong enough to kill you with a minimal amount of effort- I have ever seen.  And I’ve seen Charles Oakley up close.  If Pena ever figures it out, it’ll be scary for NL pitchers.   I’d also want Ryan Freel, a contact guy who plays every position on the field and can hit for average. 

So from Cincinnati, I’m taking Pena, Freel, Dunn and Wagner.  Kearns, if I have space.  If I thought I’d be good tomorrow, I’d keep Junior and The Mayor, and maybe Randa.  But in terms of the future?  Not much to get excited about.  Still looking for a bottom feeder franchise of my very own…

I’m giving you a proposition, and you can’t turn it down, no matter how unpleasant it may seem.  Here goes:  choose between the D-Rays, Royals, Reds, Astros, and Rockies.  Once you choose a prize, it’s yours to keep, and you have to build it back up into a contender.  You must scrape the bottom of the baseball barrel and come out a winner.  Yes, I know those aren’t good options, but if I let you take the Braves, or even the Rangers (I still don’t trust their pitching), or Mariners (do they still have any pitchers?) it wouldn’t be as much fun.  So a gun pointed to your temple, the finger is on the trigger, and you must make a decision.  Which team has the potential to turn it around, based on what’s already there?  Over the next couple days, I’ll try to decide for myself…

(Mercifully, I haven’t seen a whole lot of these teams outside of Baseball Tonight (and they’re usually the patsy for someone else’s highlight).  What’s here is a combination of my limited exposure to video and to what I read, so take the following with a grain of salt.  Remember, this is just a hypothetical.  There’s not actually a gun.) 

Royals:  If you’re planning on choosing these guys because of Mike Sweeney, choose fast because he may not be around for too long.  Take him away, and I’m sorry Royals fan(s), and this roster is sad.  Nobody, not even some dude with 8 at bats and 3 seeing eye singles, is hitting over .300 except Sweeney.  There are probably only two guys, Mark Teahan and John Buck, that another club would give up something more valuable than a case of pine tar to acquire.  Maybe you toss Angel Berroa and David DeJesus in there, too.  Berroa did win the ROY a couple years ago (so did Bob Hamelin, but we don’t need to talk about that…)

Outside of them, who do you want?  On the mound, I’d take Zack Greinke, Jeremy Affeldt (assuming he can ever get healthy) and Andrew Sisco.  Why?  Because beyond pitching well this season, he’s a 22 year old, 6’10” lefthander.  Those guys are really tough to cover in the paint during pickup basketball games, which may be the only thing these guys could win for a while. 

The rest of the squad?  Not exactly guys you want to build around. Tony Graffanino is a really useful player on a good team, but not on this one.  Same with Joe McEwing.  If Matt Stairs has nearly 100 ABs for your team, that’s not a good sign.  Would I take him as a lefthanded bat off the bench for the Cards?  Maybe.  But I wouldn’t want him playing regularly. 

I’ll pass on these guys.

UPDATE (5.28): want more info on how bad the Royals are?  Check this column by ESPN’s Jayson Stark: 

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=stark_jayson&id=2069859

Devil Rays:  Maybe I’m hallucinating, but it feels like there’s more potential here.  That’s a strange thing to say about a team that’s only 1 1/2 games ahead of KC in the wild card race (hey, it’s not over until it’s over, right?), but I believe it.  Aside from guys in the minors (BJ Upton, Joey Gathright, Delmon Young- the Little Meat Hook!), they’ve got a little skill (not a lot, but a little) in the big club’s lineup, too.  Aubrey Huff is an established, bottom-of-the-top-tier player.  Carl Crawford has tons of potential- if he can learn to boost his OBP, he’ll steal 75 bases a year, Jorge Cantu isn’t bad, Toby Hall is a pretty good catcher who is still under 30, and don’t forget, eventually Rocco Baldelli will come back healthy.  That’s not a terrible core.  It needs some work (outside of Huff, the rest of the group may not out homer Reggie Sanders this year), but there are players in that lineup, and help’s on the way. 

On the mound, it’s a little different.  Give me Scott Kazmir (if only to validate what I think was one of the dumbest trades in the history of baseball, the Kazmir-Zambrano deal last year), and… and… okay, I’ll take Casey Fossum and his 10.27 K/9 IP ratio, and I’ll let Dewon Brazelton hang in the minors until things get better for him.  That’s assuming I can find him and get him to report, of course.  And since my pitching staff needs more than two people, I’ll take Trever Miller and former All Star Lance Carter, just so I can say my staff has an All Star on it.  That’s assuming, of course, I can convince him to go.  The rest of the staff?   No thanks.

And though I’d rather have them than the Royals, I’ll pass on the D-Rays, as well. 

Keep that gun pointed straight, and we’ll come back to this one later….

(By the way, how do we feel about the whole, "highlighting names in the blog" effect?  Yes?  No?  I’m trying to get a little fancy with the whole thing, maybe dazzle everyone with my F/X.  It’s really the best I can do until I figure out how to link to other websites with the software.)

While the world has been distracted watching Tino Martinez step out of his 1998 time machine, ticking off the world by helping make the Yankees competitive again, a whole different rally has taken place on the west coast.  You know the west coast?  It’s that part of the country generally referred to in an east coaster’s morning sports section as "late" or, depending on the paper, "night." 

That explains, at least in part, how the Yankees can dominate the headlines, piling up kudos to achieve a record barely (and I mean barely) above average (10-1 in the last 10, just to get to a game over .500?  Here’s hoping they dug their hole deep enough), while the rest of the world ignores a team that’s shot to the top of the NL West. 

Yeah, while the Yanks have (as usual) Hoovered up the front page, the San Diego Padres have won 7 in a row and 16 of 19. Why am I so excited?  Because a team that I predicted would win their division is actually winning their division.  Yes, I chose the Cardinals, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Same with the Angels. Too easy.  But other than that?  Orioles?  I’ll give myself a free pass.  The .707 ChiSox?  If you say you predicted that, you’re a liar, straight up.  It’s water cooler fantasy, and I want no part of it.   Just come clean and admit you had Minnesota, or even Cleveland.  Florida may still come through for me, but not yet.  Red Sox?  Still waiting. 

But finally, the Padres are justifying my love.  But which rally has been better?  Let’s compare…

PITCHING:  Take away Adam Eaton (4-0 in May), and the Pads pen is outwinning the Pads starters pretty handily.  Even the stupid good Jake Peavy has been hittable recently.  The Yanks, on the other hand, got a couple solid starts from Randy Johnson, and a great one by Pavano, but really have been riding the solid pitching of Wang and Brown.  In any other universe, that’s a lounge act.  But the Pads have gotten better work from the pen, and they have Trevor Hoffman’s killer intro music and Akinori Otsuka, which I just like to say.  Paul Quantrill?  Mike Stanton?  Dull. 

ADVANTAGE: Padres

HITTING:  It’s rare in baseball when one guy truly carries a team.  But that’s what Tino has done.  10 HR, 22 RBI in May.  Yeah, he’s had some help from Sheff and that A-Rod dude, but if Martinez goes 6 and 15, there are at least three losses sullying that 9 game winning streak.  The whole, "maybe we should take Giambi and Bernie out of the lineup, and try to use those spots for actual production" strategy seems to be paying off, since Robinson Cano is hitting, and really, how many balls does Tony Womack need to catch a game?  Nobody really hits to left anymore.  It’s passe. 

In San Diego, they’ve learned how to win at Petco.  Other than Klesko’s 6 dingers this month, nobody has more than 2.  And only a couple guys have more than 10 RBIs. But compared to April, when 11 RBIs was good for 3rd on the team, the Padres have been scoring like Colin Ferrell at Senor Frog’s during spring break. 

ADVANTAGE:  Call it a push. 

INTANGIBLES: The world isn’t as much fun when the sky isn’t falling in the Bronx.  What a bunch of teases.  Although, their bad stretch revealed how vulnerable this team is.  I, for one, wouldn’t want to be in a position of having to rely on solid performances from Kevin Brown, or the health of the Unit (who hasn’t been dominant), or the return of Jaret Wright.  They’ve still got to catch the Sox, and the O’s are holding up (though you can say the same thing about them, subbing "Bruce Chen" for "Kevin Brown").  Eventually water seeks it’s own level, and the Yanks are right to rise.  But a couple shots to the dam, and the valley below’s gonna flood.  Entire villages will be wiped out in the wreckage of the Yankees 2005 season. 

In San Diego, the Pads should continue to play well, in a much more winnable division.  I think the Dodgers are a good team, but injuries are starting to eat away at them.  The D-Backs are making believers out of me- Javy Vasquez has found a positive outlet for his Yankee revenge fantasies, Russ Ortiz continues his inexplicable ability to win despite appearing incredibly average, and with Brandon Webb, Brad Halsey, and Shawn Estes, they have the most steady starting staff in the division, possibly on of the three or four best in the NL.  But their lineup is one Troy Glaus shoulder sprain or Luis Gonzalez check of his own birth certificate from being the Astros. 

ADVANTAGE: Padres

The moral of the story?  It pays to stay up late, and pay attention to what happens out here.  Even if it doesn’t involve Barry Bonds.      

Remember how good it felt during report card time when you didn’t have to run home and steal the mail before your parents saw it, because the news was actually good?  Well, at nearly 1/4 of the way through the season, it’s report card time, and the Cardinals can fully expect theirs to be posted proudly on the refrigerator. 

The Cardinals are a success by virtually any standard, including some that are only really important to me: 

    – they took three of four from the Dodgers, making it advantage St. Louis in the "My team is better than your team" arguments I get into with my fellow Angelinos.

    – they nabbed a series from the Mets at Shea, great not only because it lets me thumb one at my Mets loving friends*** (there are a few out here), but because no team should have to visit that dump of a stadium without some sort of reward. 

Sunday’s win in New York ended a stretch where they played, I believe, 21 consecutive days.  Not bad.  During Monday’s day off, they’ll have time to check the standings.  Good thing, too.  They’re 5.5 up on the Brewers, 7.5 up on the Cubs, and playing nearly .650 baseball.  Not bad.  Even better, at 16-4 vs. the Central, the Cards are putting a beat down on the rest of the division worse than Winky Wright’s mauling of Felix Trinidad on Sunday.

Yeah, the rest of the division basically ***** (the baseball equivalent of that Rosie O’Donnell’s recent vomit inducing performance in, "Riding the Bus With My Sister", which all at once managed to demean actors, the mentally handicapped, and buses),  but that’s kind of the point.  Good teams beat the **** out of bad teams.  That’s what they’re supposed to do.  (Which, by the way, I think the Sox are for real.  They’ve beaten all the teams they’re supposed to beat, and a few others.  They won’t play .711 baseball the rest of the year, but they’ll be in it to the end- think Seattle SuperSonics, torrid hot start, mediocre finish)

There’s a lot to be happy about:

-The Cards were supposed to score a ton, and they have, leading the NL in runs, 2nd in OBP and BA, and that’s with Larry Walker and Scott Rolen chipping in virtually nothing.  Eckstein (who had St. Louis fans at "hello") and Grudzalanek will level off some, but in that lineup both will thrive.  Really, nobody in that lineup is playing so far above their heads that you know they won’t be able to stay in the ballpark of their current stats by July. 

-Pitching:  3rd in team ERA, 4th in runs allowed, 4th in HR allowed, 5th in BB (only two behind Florida for 3rd).  Mulder has gotten himself straightened out, big time (though has been scarily ordinary in his two "marquee matchups" against Pedro and Hudson).  The starters are going deep into games and forcing guys to put the ball in play. 

Honestly, nothing really scares me about the Cards in the Central.  The back of the bullpen is a little shaky, and Isringhausen walks too many guys, but almost every team has that kind of trouble.  If the worst problem you have is the 6th guy out of the pen is unreliable, you don’t have a lot of problems. 

They have time for Rolen to heal, to make sure Walker is fresh, for Yadier Molina to figure out how to hit .250.  Honestly, they could plug me into left field for the rest of the season, and still win in a walk.  Why?   Because the Cubs staff is in tatters.  Carlos Zambrano may actually miss a sport with tennis elbow.  That kind of thing only happens to the Cubs (see my previous entry explaining  that once the Sox beat them to it they’ll never ever win another World Series).  The Brewers are a couple years away from challenging (before getting too excited about being .500 in mid-May, remember what happened last year after the All Star break)

The Pirates may be two decades away.  When the Astros hung 5 on Jeff Fassero (the poster child for making sure your kid can throw left handed) in 3 innings, it was the most runs they had scored in two weeks.  And with Bagwell out indefinitely, that won’t get better.  Unless, of course, they got to play the Reds every day, who give away runs like Paris Hilton gives away her dignity.

So relax Cardinals fans.  Put it in cruise control, Tony.  Give Albert an extra day off here and there.  Keep Larry Walker healthy.  Even Fredbird can take a week off. Because the Central division is, barring catastrophic injury problems (say, the Arch falls on the team bus), as mortal a lock as anything in the world of sports can be.

***The exception being my girlfriend’s father, who is a Mets fan whose good side I’d like to stay on.   

Now that the owners have (surprise!) unanimously approved Bud Selig’s proposal for more stringent drug testing in baseball, the ball is in the court of Don Fehr and the Union.  They don’t have much of a choice, really, because between the public and Congress, the PR ramifications for fighting Selig’s plan are steep. 

I understand the need for the MLBPA to protect their own.  They have to fully know what they’re getting into before everyone signs on the dotted line.  But if players are worried about long suspensions and the huge holes they would blast in their pocketbooks, perhaps there is help available.  And for only $150!  What is that, a day’s meal money?  Two?  What am I talking about?

It’s the Original Whizzinator. 

Seriously.  I’m not kidding.  You may have read the story about Minnesota Vikings RB Onterrio Smith, already a two-time loser in the NFL’s drug program, who was detained at the Twin Cities airport in April when his bag set off security devices. I had heard on ESPN radio that it was actually a tube of toothpaste that sounded the alarm, but it was the other contents of the bag that got people’s attention. 

What police found was The Original Whizzinator- a device designed to help people beat drug tests. They have their own website and everything- I’ll let you look it up.

What is the Whizzinator?  Well, it’s an athletic supporter complete with a fake representation of the male anatomy (in a nod to cultural sensitivity, the member comes in ethnically appropriate shades) and a plastic bag.  The whizzee fills that bag with water and urine powder (urine powder?), and when it’s time for the magic to happen, a valve releases the "clean sample" through the prosthetic.

If you take a look at the website, it’s hard to believe this will work, but hey, read the testimonials!  (also, check out the links page: Minawear Hemp Clothing, Marijuana.com, Pokesmotwear.com, colorchangingglass.com, and a host of other reasonably shady sounding websites that would probably get you flagged by the FBI) 

Anyway, what really got my attention (although to be honest, this story had me at "Hello") was the fact that initially, police mistook the dried urine, which comes in the form of white powder in a vial, for cocaine.  Hard to blame them for jumping to conclusions (Officer Jones: "Captain, Mr. Smith has vials of white powder in his bag.  We’re pretty sure it’s cocaine."   Captain Thompson: "Now wait a minute, Officer Jones, it could be dried urine.")

I remember hearing the stories in the 80′s about how Tim Raines used to slide headfirst into 2nd base because he didn’t want to shatter the vials of coke he carried in his back pocket.  I guess in the Steroid Age, dried urine could become the next cocaine.  Not that anyone really steals bases anymore. 

The NFL claims that the garment would be useless in beating their tests, because players are required to pull their pants down to their knees in full view of the tester.  That includes strange looking athletic supporters.  But if MLB does indeed go to 50 games for a first offense, don’t be surprised if you see more and more players caught at airports with anatomy-laden undergarments in their bags.  They’d become baseball’s new fashion statement, like really long pants.  Desperation makes people do strange things, you know? 

This really could be the next product that takes baseball by storm.  Technological innovation is nothing new.  Catchers didn’t always wear goalie masks.   Barry Bonds didn’t always have body armor available.  And Bud Selig never thought he’d have to win a face off with The Original Whizzinator to clean up his sport, but that’s the world we live in. 

At least you know where to get dried urine if you need it.

I remember in high school when my baseball coach stopped hitting ground balls to us long enough to declare, "Plastic Man is the greatest superhero ever. You cannot kill him."   He’s got a point.  How exactly do you kill a guy who can bend around bullets, flatten himself into a pancake to avoid an oncoming car, or move his body perfectly to accommodate an attempted stabbing?  That’s impressive.  At worst, he’s really tough to put down.  At best, as Coach Stevens said, you cannot kill him.

Plastic Man has nothing on Rickey Henderson. 

The man who, if he didn’t invent 3rd person self-referencing certainly elevated it to an art form**, has decided he hasn’t quite used up all the baseball he’s got inside.  Judging by his last stint with the Dodgers in ’03 when Rickey hit .203 with a very un-Rickeylike .321 OBP (still better than half the White Sox), we won’t be seeing him in a big league uniform anytime soon.  But with over 10,000 ABs, 3,055 hits, 1,406 SBs, 2,190 BBs and a career .401 OPB, Rickey Henderson has returned to the independent Golden Baseball League to play for the San Diego Surf Dawgs.  At age 2,983, Rickey Henderson still believes he’s got some baseball left in him. 

How long has the dude been around?  His home games will be at Tony Gwynn Field at Sand Diego State.  Yes, named after the Tony Gwynn, who is two years younger and has been out of the league two years longer than Rickey.   Rickey’s agent says that Rickey believes that Rickey can still help a major league club.  But Brian says that Rickey, in his heart, doesn’t care if he makes it back to the bigs.  Brian thinks that Rickey just likes playing baseball. 

He’s like the guys I play with in my weekend men’s league.  None of us want to hang it up for good.  Which is totally fine by me.  Why wouldn’t you want a guy in the league who:

     -slid into home plate to break Ty Cobb’s all time runs record- after hitting a home run

      -claimed he wasn’t being greedy in contract negotiations by saying, ""All I’m asking for is what I want."

      -refuted claims that he talks to himself on the field (a trait for which he is famous) with this one: "Do I talk to myself? No. I just remind myself of what I’m trying to do," he says. "You know, I never answer myself. So how can I be talking to myself?"

       -so fully inhabits planet Rickey that the story about how he once told John Olerud that he used to have a teammate who also wore a helmet in the field (that was Olerud) seems TOTALLY believable, even though apparently, it’s not actually true. 

The dude is the stuff of urban legend.  The baseball equivalent of the guy with the hook that rips through your convertible top while you making out with your girlfriend at Lover’s Point.  It usually bothers me when athletes hang on for too long, when they can’t find something to move to when the playing days are over.  But for whatever reason, with Rickey it doesn’t bother me at all.  The guy could keep playing independent league ball for the next 2000 years and I wouldn’t care.  I feel bad for him, because a) you actually have to stop playing to get into the HOF, and b) a whole generation of people will grow up knowing Rickey Henderson as an old dude who was more sideshow than perhaps the best player of the 1980s. 

But as long as Rickey wants to play, Rickey should play.  As he once said, explaining that it wasn’t the record books that keep him coming back, just a desire to keep playing, "No matter what, I’m going to try to go 1 more."

Aren’t we all? 

**"Listen: People are always saying, ‘Rickey says Rickey.’ But it’s been blown way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they know I’m ticked off, saying, ‘Rickey, what the heck are you doing, Rickey?’ They say, ‘Darn, Rickey, what are you saying Rickey for? Why don’t you just say, ‘I?’ But I never did. I always said, ‘Rickey,’ and it become something for people to joke about."

I have never met Barry Bonds.  I’ve been in locker rooms where he informally talked at me and other media types, but I’ve never sat down for an interview with him, or even asked him a question.  So bear all that in mind when you read the following. 

I don’t understand Barry Bonds.  More than that, I think the dude is really, really strange.  Not quite Neverland Ranch strange, but I’m getting to the point where if Barry showed up late to a press conference with his handlers holding umbrellas to shield him from the sun while he shuffled in wearing house slippers and some sort of Sgt. Pepper uniform, I wouldn’t be surprised.

(Not that I think B.B. is in the same ballpark as the King of Pop.  Even if you think everything Bonds is accused of is true, in the grand scheme of things, cheating in baseball swims squarely in the shallow end of the sin pool.  Where M.J. is accused of going requires a lifeguard on duty, water wings, and at least 30 minutes of wait time after eating.)

But even if Jackson is not guilty of this particular charge, I firmly believe he is, at the very least, criminally strange.  A sick man beaten down by his own fame and personal demons.  He does things that just don’t make sense.  And that’s how I feel about Barry, just on a much smaller, far less creepy and criminal scale.   He’s a walking bundle of contradictions.  And while it makes for a really, really entertaining scene anytime he’s in front of a microphone, it doesn’t mean he’s any less odd. 

Bonds claims to not care what people (or at least the media) think of him, but at the same time shows incredible sensitivity to criticism and a sense that he wants people to like him.  I spent some of last night reading the journal (http://barrybonds.mlb.com/players/bonds_barry/journal/archives.html) he maintains on his website (www.barrybonds.com).  Here’s the latest post:

May 3, 2005

Hello Fans,

Sunday afternoon the doctor stopped by to give me the test results in regard to the fluid that was drained from my knee on Friday. I was told that I had a bacterial infection in my knee and I needed to have surgery immediately. I flew back to San Francisco Sunday night so I could make it to my appointment early Monday morning. The surgery went well. Dr. Ting cleaned out the infected area and they are now treating me with antibiotics.

My original plans were to wait a week before reporting on my condition so I would have a better idea on how my leg was responding. Due to informational leaks (I know who it is), the media has been contacting my PR firm asking about my status. So, before any hearsay or false information is reported, I wanted you to hear about my condition directly from me.

I know you have many questions regarding me playing baseball but right now I have to spend the time focusing on getting healthy. I’ve been through ups and downs before and I will be back.

As soon as I know more information, I will update you.

Barry Bonds

Everything about that post, from the "Hello fans" to the "I know who it is" to the "Barry Bonds" just reads weird to me.   It’s oddly formal, slightly conspiratorial, and yet seems to be a genuine attempt to reach out to his fans.  In the April 26 entry, he encourages fans to go ahead and send in emails to the sight for the April Fan of the Month, who will win a "signed product."  Signed product?  That’s a little clinical, don’t you think?  Who talks like that?  In that same post, he takes a shot at the media for implying he’s not sticking to the Giants training program before thanking all his fans for their support.

My personal favorite line comes from the entry on April 23:

"The media has been requesting daily updates, but I feel it is best for everyone to hear about my status directly from me — without any spin."

What is this, The O’Reilly Factor? 

When he does decide to talk to the media, he’s nothing but spin.  The one in spring training with the (paraphrase alert!) "really is it cheating?" The (paraphrase alert 2!) "I took the cream and the clear, but thought it was flaxseed oil and really potent Ben ***, so no worries" testimony?  The whole "you wanted me to jump off the bridge" thing?   It’s fascinating television.  He’d make a phenominal reality show (that’s why God invented TiVO).  But it’s still spin.

To me, despite all his protests to the contrary, it’s pretty clear he does care what people think, and his feelings do get hurt by what people say about him in the media.   I think it digs at him that no matter how many home runs he ends up hitting, he won’t be nearly the hero as someone of his stature should be.  When he’s done (and I genuinely hope it’s later than sooner, because I enjoy watching him hit) people will say "Wow, Barry was one of the best ever," but when given the chance they’d rather knock back a couple beers with about 900 other ballplayers who aren’t going in the Hall of Fame.  And not just because Barry would insist on having his own, extra plush bar stool.   

And that’s not even touching the steroid issue.  I think by now, it’s hard to believe that he, or a lot of other ballplayers, have been clean throughout their careers, or are even clean now.  I’ve heard enough stuff to make me suspicious of just about everyone.  But even if Barry has never (intentionally) taken anything, he doesn’t help himself.  You mean to tell me that someone who has praised himself for his endless training regiment, who talks about his chef and having his meals made for optimum performance, etc. wouldn’t at least ask Greg Anderson what’s in the magic vial?  Someone that concerned about his body and what goes in or on it would believe he was using flaxseed oil, and only flaxseed oil?  I mean, maybe one ingredient is flaxseed oil, but if the cream/clear came with an FDA style ingredients list, flaxseed oil would be somewhere at the end with trisodium phosphates and Vitamin E (added for freshness) and the other cabooses of the ingredient world. 

But Barry keeps making it hard on himself by working out with the guy.  Or continuing to see the apparently shady Dr. Ting in California, instead of either the Giants team surgeons or someone else.  A man should be able to choose his own doctor, sure, but it’s just one more thing to throw into the "I just don’t get Barry" hopper.  He’s fiercely loyal, I’ll give him that, but sometimes loyalty comes at a price.  And I’m not always sure he enjoys paying it.   

Barry Bonds is a great ballplayer.   You can argue (flaxseed oil notwithstanding) that he’s the best ever.  I want to understand him, both because he’s a psychologist’s wet dream and because I’m a baseball fan, and he’s the most dominant player of my lifetime.  But I don’t him, and don’t think I ever will.   

Up to this point in the season, everything we write can be prefaced with the following: "It’s probably too early to come to any conclusions, but… (insert observation here)."  We also like, "It’s early, but…" and "There’s still a lot of season left, but…" 

What this does, of course, is gives us an out.  It’s insurance with the dealer showing an ace.  Your basic hedge.  But it’s nearly time for the training wheels to come off.  I’m thinking that by, say, May 25, if what we write doesn’t come true, it’s just wrong.  Not, "well, it was early…" wrong, but actually wrong.  That *****. 

Anyway, without further ado, here are some loose baseball observations of the 2005 season, avoiding any Yankee references, at least for one day…

1) The Chicago Cubs will never win another World Series.  Ever. 

I actually made this observation in my B.B. (Before Blog) days.  Basically, it comes down to this- in the race between the Red Sox and the Cubs to break their respective curses, there was one major catch.  The loser would be destined to never, ever win a Series of their own.  So if baseball is played for the next million years, we’ll spend those million wondering when the Cubs will finally get that monkey off their back. 

Now that the Sox have broken through, they may win 16 out of the next 20 World Series titles.  Maybe more.  The day may come when the idea that the Sox were once perennial losers seems so strange, people won’t believe it.  Like saying there once was a time that Ron Artest wasn’t insane, steroids weren’t a problem in baseball, and that people used to think The Beatles were more talented than Nick Carter (just checking to see if you’re paying attention). 

The Cubs, on the other hand, will spend the future suffering in painful and improbable ways:

"You remember in the ’10 Series when that mountain lion mauled their 2nd baseman during Game 3?  That was a tough break."   

"The Cubs totally would have taken the division in ’14 if it weren’t for that smallpox outbreak at Wrigley."

"Yeah, the Cubs seemed tough this season, but how can you be expected to compete with a Devil Rays team spending $375 million a year in salaries?"

Mothra.  Angry robots.  Perpetually weak middle relief.  The string of bad news waiting for the Cubs is endless.  It’s hard to say exactly what’s in store for Chicago.  All I know is there’s one thing they won’t get:  a World Series. 

2) The NL Central is a really, really bad division.   

Take away the Cardinals, and if this were hockey (remember hockey?) the NL Central would be the old Norris division.  Every team was bunched around the center, not because they were all pretty good (like, say, the NL East) but because basically they were all equally bad.   In the NL Norris, each team chasing the Cards has issues.  Big issues.  The Brewers might eventually be good when their kids (guys like Prince Fielder) come up from the minors and JJ Hardy starts to hit, but for the time being, hanging around .500 would be a monster achievement.

Houston has a good shot to turn it around, only because their starters are strong and their closer can be unhittable (20 K’s in 12.1 innings?  That’s sick).  But at some point in the season, they’re going to look back and say, "Remember that stretch where Clemens gave up 1 run in 293 innings?  We should have won a couple more of those."  They’re going to need some hitting to get back in it.  Right now, only Pittsburgh and Atlanta have scored fewer runs in the NL.  Could happen.  After all, they made that amazing run last year, but if they finish May 10 games back, that’s a tough hole to dig out of. 

The Cubs?  Here goes:  They don’t have enough offense (assuming Derek Lee cools off even a little- do you really think he’ll drive in 175 runs?), their starting staff can’t stay healthy, and even when they are, they can’t go deep enough into games to protect that bullpen.  Plus, Mothra and angry robots. 

The Reds?  If David Eckstein played 162 games against them, he’d lead the league in homers.  That’s not good. 

3) If the Mets can mow the New York skyline into their outfield, how come we can’t find a reliable test for Human Growth Hormone?

4) There’s no reason the Nationals can’t finish above .500. 

I’ve been waiting for 3 years for the ‘Spos-now-Nats to prove people wrong.  For a while I was looking good, but then last year the bottom fell out.  A couple years of home games in San Juan will do that to you.  Talking to some of the Nats last night in LA, they seemed to confirm what I had thought since the beginning of the season- 81 actual home games a season in front of more than 18 fans a game is worth at least 10 wins.   Jose Guillen is worth another 4.  Toss in another 3 for a healthy Nick Johnson/quality Vinnie Castilla, and 5 for not having that Youppi! thing staring at them all game (take a look at that picture- he was this close to cracking) and suddenly last season’s 67 win team is up to 89.  You can’t argue with math.   

5) Do not look directly at the Kansas City Royals. 

Consider it a public service message. 

If Jeff Van Gundy were managing the Reds, I’m sure he’d have a perfectly logical and delightfully conspiratorial explanation for what happened to Cincinnati last night, but for the rest of us, it’s just the greatest 9th inning comeback in St. Louis history.  7 runs?  That’s little league, turn-your-hat-inside-out-then-make-it-into-a-shark-on-top-of-your-head stuff.   Never happens.  Or at least not often (see the table I cribbed from the ESPN Baseball Tonight Website)

(http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/bbtn/index)

It’s pretty obvious that the Cardinals are the best team in the division, but I’m not sure if that’s necessarily a compliment.  It’s like being the most talented boy band on the block.  Yeah, you’re better than everyone else, but really, how good does that make you?  Kerry Wood is going to be out for a while, Derrick Lee isn’t going to drive in 94 runs a month for the rest of the season, and the Astros just don’t seem to have the offense.  I’m hoping the Redbirds can throw the thing into cruise control around July, and make sure guys like Rolen are totally healthy for the playoffs.   Knock on wood.  And every game they steal (or have gift wrapped and hand delivered as if by Santa himself, depending on your point of view) this early in the season makes that possiblity more likely.   

The only bad thing about the comeback was that I didn’t actually get to see it.  I  was working at the Dodgers game last night, where I nearly broke fellow MLBlogger Tommy Lasorda’s nose with a door as he was coming off the field.  That would have started some controversy.   I’d have been accused of Blog-envy, turning the whole Jayson Blair thing on its ear.  Instead of making stuff up to put myself ahead of "the competition", I just take them out, one by one.  Watch your back, Buster Olney. 

Aside from almost killing a Los Angeles icon (which would have, at the least, caused my credential to be revoked) it was a great night.  I was able to sit and listen to Lou Johnson, who played in LA and hit a home run in game 7 of the ’65 Series that helped Sandy Koufax win on about four hours rest- give or take- and now works in Community Relations for the Dodgers tell stories about playing in an era I never got to see, with players I’d heard of and read about, but never watched.  It was really cool. 

Then I hit the Nationals dugout, and listened to Frank Robinson for fifteen minutes or so.  He talked a little about his current team, but most of the questions (while I was there, at least) were centered around his incredible history in the game.   When you get to hear stories like that and have access to these types of people, it’s that much more fun to show up at the park.